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I Don't Know, and It's OK


I never thought I would end up without a college degree.

I never thought I would have an abortion at 23.

I never thought I would still be single at age 29.

I never thought I would feel like I wasted so much time.


In a world where everyone seems to have their shit together, I seem to not know what is going on with mine. And you know what… it’s ok. I never thought I would get to this point. To this feeling of contentment. Because after every failure, my negative, self criticizing thoughts were so loud I felt like I was drowning in the voice inside my head telling me I was wrong for missing all of the milestones.


It’s hard.

It’s hard to watch the world go around just to see yours standing still.

It’s hard to see all your goals come and go past the date you thought it would be completed.

It’s hard to smile when you feel like you don’t know where you are going.


But…


It’s hard because we all have been programmed to go through life with a checklist of things to do:

Graduate high school

Go to college and get a degree

Find a good partner, settle down and get married

Have kids

Have a career

Grow old with your partner and live a fulfilling life.


AND


for some, that is exactly what happens and it looks like it feels so good. It looks like a happily ever after. It looks like all is well. I am sure, however, it isn’t as easy as it looks. I am sure that it has its ups and downs, and that it isn’t as perfect as it is portrayed to be in the pictures. And that’s ok.


For some, they are like me. Still single, still searching, still trying. And that’s ok.

For some, they are scared to commit. They are scared to take the plunge and experience life. They are scared of failing and of all the “what if’s”... and THAT’S OK.


Let me tell you something that I FINALLY learned just recently… and I wish I had learned A LOT sooner in life: Everyone’s 100% is different. We are all at different places in life. You have THE CHOICE to start over at ANY POINT in time. You get the choice and chance to start over each day. RECOMMIT. Recommit as many times as you need to hit your dreams.


See, I always pictured my life with kids. 4 to be exact. A big family. A loving husband. A provider and leader through Christ. I always pictured my life finally starting when that happened and I dreamed it would be somewhere between my 25th and 30th year of existence. Maybe this dream started when I almost had the chance to be a mother.


For the record, abortions are hard. You should never judge someone for the decisions they make. I use to tell people it was a miscarriage because I was ashamed and I didn’t want anyone to know. But, to be completely honest. I was in a terrible relationship. I was told I was ruining their life by keeping the baby, and that I was going to fail. I was told that I was a terrible person for even thinking we could succeed and that I wouldn’t be able to do it on my own. Funny thing is: that same verbally abusive man is married with 2 kids now. I gave up a life so myself, and my child, didn’t have to suffer verbal abuse the rest of our lives by a man who didn’t want to be with me, nor have a child with me.


I digress. As each year passed, the want for marriage and kids just grew stronger and stronger. I felt like something was wrong with me for not being able to find “the one”. I felt like it was always my fault. I would look inward and try to change everything instead of accepting that they were just not right for me.


As I approach my 30th birthday, I keep reflecting back on my “mistakes”. For all of you who feel “stuck” or in a place where you feel “it won’t ever happen”... I am here to tell you - overcome that anxiety. Overcome those fears. It will happen, it just might not happen in the timing you want. Fear is normal, but it doesn’t have to stay in the negative light. Reflect on the past and find a way to see the success in it. Try to remember the good in it all, or what came from it all. Grow. Personally, develop a heart that is full of love and confidence that what you want will happen.


I say that because I reflect now, and realize that my mistakes have made me the stronger female that I have become today. I still have flaws, don’t get me wrong, but I have realized that every “failure” is actually a success. I wouldn’t be where I am today, if I hadn’t been pushed past limits I didn’t think possible, if I hadn’t dated the people I have dated, if I hadn’t failed the way I have failed.


I don’t know what lies ahead of me… and that’s ok. I will make the most of each day. Setting goals for my personal growth as well as career growths as well as healthy lifestyle gains. I will continue to hope for a romance that allows me to forget about all of the past and allow me to feel the love I know I deserve. I will continue to love every day like it’s my last, live every day like it’s my last and strive to be the best person I can be.


I have chosen to start over, and will continue to choose to start over. I get the choice and chance to start over each day and I will recommit as many times as I need to to hit my dreams.


I don’t know what lies ahead.

It’s scary.

It’s unnerving.


But it’s OK.

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